Long Long Time

I have always loved this song, from the time it was relatively new and I was young. For all she did later, it and Different Drum define Linda Ronstadt for me. But it makes me feel remorse, based on my interpretation of what it is about.

This is the lament of a woman scorned. Worse, not really acknowledged, by a man so cold or indifferent that he either never noticed her interest, or didn’t care enough to do anything with it if he did. Further, he has made a habit of this, breaking hearts along the road of oblivious omission.

I am kind of getting into personal things I’ve yet to post, or that I might have posted a long time ago in a different blogosphere. (It’s a travesty that blogosphere just got flagged as not a word by automatic spell check.) I have had crushes, been outright in love with, or passingly noticed many girls or women over the decades, not so much recently. I have despaired of their general lack of interest in me, but to the degree that I was addicted to the feeling of being in love without being willing or able to bring it to fruition, this served my purposes. If it was what i was seeing, good. If I could make myself perceive it as what I was seeing, that worked too.

Yes, autistic tendencies. Yes, it may be that that’s about feeling too deeply rather than being insensitive, with the coping making it appear the same. Yes, I am oblivious to subtlety, or don’t believe it, or at times have found it convenient not to believe it. Girls aren’t supposed to be forward or aggressive, doncha know. Still, eventually I realized that I had left some disappointment in my wake. Heck, long ago. Introspection in the past few years, after I killed an old friendship beyond recovery (or at least buried it beyond exhumation), made me think more about many things like this.

Sometimes being shy is just being shy, and being anxiety-ridden is just anxiety beyond escape. But sometimes I had some idea, or should have, what I was doing. Sometimes it felt like revenge on all girls for what one girl did at a sensitive age.

I have seen that a girl seemed interested and been completely inert to it, or falsely oblivious. I once called a girl in college, after she’d been in a class with me, chatted at some length, and despite being able to tell she was receptive, copped out and… did nothing. I’d have had a date, if I’d have known how to ask. I could tell she was disappointed. I still feel bad about it, and she was just a minor crush. My main college crush got left in the lurch once my interest was clear and she was receptive. I just… stopped. It was pretty crazy.

My big high school crush had much the same experience. I essentially ran away in confusion once she clearly and unambiguously reciprocated and I had no idea what next. Ouch. I could go on.

Much as I love the song and feel for the sentiment, it makes me sad for anyone, known and unknown, I ever might have hurt by running away, being indifferent, or not even noticing.

 

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